Because I'm Angry
by hummelssmythe
Summary: In this very moment, Santana feels like something might be shifting there, where once there was a hole. (Brittana "I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified" prompted by anon on tumblr)


Anon prompted: Brittana + "I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified" for the fic meme on tumblr and I wrote this drabble. Hope it's not too bad ^^! It's set somewhere between Season 1 and Season 2. I didn't have a precise idea, but Santana is still in the closet and surely hasn't completely figured her feelings for Brittany.

* * *

Santana's heart is hammering in her chest.

Never has she ever felt so alive and _connected_ to someone before. Despite the appearances, her fire always burns on the outside, leaving a sense of dullness inside that she has never managed to overcome. Perhaps this is what makes angry, this is what she has tried so hard to overcome for so long.

In this very moment, Santana feels like something might be shifting there, where once there was a hole.

It might be Brittany caressing her hair, now a bit curly from sweat.

It might be Brittany's giggle, the soft words she whispers into Santana's ear.

It might be their legs tangled together and their mouths reaching for one another.

This isn't the first time they have been at it.

Since the night Sue sent them naked into the wilderness, Santana and Brittany never stopped. Most of the times, Santana didn't mention it. She and Brittany were the kind of friends everyone would see together and think they're simply close. They're girls. People see nothing strange with them being close, holding hands, being touchy.

But that's exactly the point, isn't it?

When they started fooling around, that was it. Santana didn't feel the need to walk pinkie-fingers or to sing songs with Brittany that weren't just for fun.

Now it feels like that emptiness is slowly being replaced, but with something much more scarier.

Santana never pictured herself to be one for love – she thinks, as Brittany presses a soft kiss to her naked shoulder – in general. She pictured herself marrying a rich sports man, out of a business deal, so that she could be successful and live a fairly accomplished life, no worries in sight. She never pictured herself falling for anyone.

That comes with her never picturing what it would feel like to be in love. Sure, she has watched the movies, she has heard people talk about it, she has listened to the songs (countless ballads in glee club above else); but would she recognize it if she felt it? Santana can't be sure.

"You're not saying anything." Brittany startles her out of her thoughts, arm wrapped around her as they lie bare in bed. "And you're not running away. It's weird. Like, _Nice_ weird."

Santana sighs deeply.

"Do you want me to leave?" It's harsh, she knows.

She also knows Brittany's right and that she's asking with no assumptions or bad intentions. She's always so genuinely curious and interested.

"Why would I ever want that?" Brittany asks sadly, guilt already weighing in Santana's stomach. "I don't want you to. Ever. But you always do, so I asked."

Santana counts to ten in her head. She has learned to do so around Brittany. Other people, Santana doesn't mind hurting; Brittany though … she is a completely different story. (That makes Santana wonder … should this be the only answer she needs to figure it all out?)

"Do you like it when I stay?" She asks quietly.

"This is the first time you stay." Brittany is probably doing that confused little pout.

Santana can tell even if she can't see her face from where she's resting her face on Brittany's arm.

"Do you like it now?" She asks, quiet and vulnerable – something she is not used to feel.

"I do."

The answer comes so quickly and naturally from Brittany that Santana would have no reason not to believe it. Brittany is not one to lie anyway. And yet something feels off, as if Brittany knew Santana is out of it today.

"Then I'm going to stay more." She goes, not ready for the conversation to turn into something bigger, but not quite willing to drop it either.

She hears Brittany giggle again, close and warm and wonderful.

"I would love that." She whispers, her voice waking up things in Santana that have never been awoken before.

Santana isn't sure she is going to make it happen. She is scared by this closeness, scared that being around Brittany wouldn't feel as easy as it did before. Not in a bad way though … in a 'it's so dangerous because I want to be closer to Britt than I can physically be' kind of way. It makes Santana weak in the knees, but luckily she is in bed so she won't even have to hide it.

"Santana?" Brittany asks through the silence in the room.

Santana stiffens, breathes in like she had been caught, as if Brittany could see what's in her head.

"Hmmm?" That's all Brittany gets as an answer.

Santana pretends to relax, pretends to be falling asleep, hoping that Brittany will just let it go.

Of course Brittany wouldn't.

"What is it with you today?" She asks with such concern that Santana suddenly feels like throwing up at having to lie. At having lied so far too.

"I ..."

Santana isn't one to stutter, it is known. And yet, all she can do is mumble in senseless and look for a way to evade this.

When she opens her mouth at first, _I think I'm in love with you and I'm terrified_ is what she expects to come out.

What she actually says is, "I'm just tired. Glee club shit drama and all."

Something tells her that Brittany wouldn't believe it, so she is surprised when she get pulled in and kissed on the head. She closes her eyes, suddenly feels like crying, crumbling at the awareness that even if just for a moment, she's let herself think that she is in love with the person currently holding her. In love with Brittany who is _a girl_ , her best friend.

Santana pushes that away, tries to drown it until it chokes and instead that hole is coming out again, swallowing all of those emotions and leaving her dull again. The emptiness lasts not long before anger starts fill in, replacing vacant spaces and reaching for every nerve of Santana's body it can reach.

Urgently, she pushes away Brittany, feels like the touch is burning her skin in a more hurtful way than it was before. Hours ago there was desire, now the flames are nothing but terrifying.

She almost jumps off the bed, starts wandering for her clothes. Her heart is beating faster and leaving Brittany there feels like she is leaving part of herself behind too. But that part of herself … Santana is not sure she wants it, or that she wants to acknowledge it more than she has already done.

"Where are you going?" Brittany asks, the sound of her pout in her voice. Santana refuses to look up and see it. "I thought you were going to stay this time."

"I stayed." Santana says as she dresses, feeling like she needs to cover herself, feeling ashamed for some reason. "I can't stay forever."

"But-"

"I. Can't. Stay." Santana insists harshly, looks up on instinct.

Brittany is still in bed, naked and just partly covered from the sheets. She feels herself get weaker when she looks at her face, Brittany seemingly trying to figure out if she did something wrong.

Santana felt happy for few moments beside her, she really did. She felt happy for longer when Brittany and her were touching and kissing and pressing against each other, all messy and needy. She can't feel happy now. There's only fear when there was happiness, thirst for one another and … love.

"I just gotta go, y'know." She lies, her eyes fly away from Brittany. "I'd stay but I can't. I gotta go."

There is no point in repeating but inserting that sense of duty makes Santana feel like it's true, like she actually needs to go and she's not just leaving not to be close to Brittany.

"Okay." Brittany sounds defeated. "I'll talk to you later, if Lord Tubbington gives me my phone back. He's been buying stuff on store behind my back."

Santana smiles despite her best efforts and fixes her hair so that it won't look too much like sex hair when she goes back.

"Okay, talk to you later," She adds as _I think I'm in love with you_ sounds louder in her head as Brittany's beam grows to be brighter.

When she's out of Brittany's place, Santana feels safe again.

Emptier, angry and deluded.

But she feels safe, here where she can pretend they're just friends having fun, where she can pretend she is not falling in love with Brittany.


End file.
